Brick By Brick
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer and Pam go to Lego Land.


**I lost the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters among some Legos. This is just some mad fluff coming through my mind. Something that happened before the season seven premiere.**

 **Brick By Brick**

"A _personal_ day?" Cyril shouted in disbelief in the bullpen. "Why are you taking a **personal day?** We haven't even had a client yet!"

"I need some serious me time," Mallory spoke on the speaker phone. "And I want to try out this new spa."

"You're not charging this to the agency are you?" Cyril snapped. "How much is this going to cost us?"

"Relax Theodore J. Mooney," Mallory snorted. "Ron is paying for this one. I am well aware of the lack of finances our new agency has. Which are frighteningly like our old agency. Which is why I need a break from the stress. See you Monday. Ciao."

"Ms. Archer!" Cyril snapped. "She hung up! **She** needs a break from stress? Is she **kidding** me?"

"Apparently not," Lana sighed. She was in the bullpen with Ray and Krieger.

"Hey it's one day away from Her Royal Pain In The Ass," Ray pointed out. "I can live with that."

"She's not the only Archer gone AWOL," Cyril grumbled. "And Pam's missing too!"

"Not surprised since those two went bar hopping after visiting me and AJ last night," Lana groaned.

"Oh great!" Cyril groaned.

"That might be a problem," Ray frowned.

"Pam made a swearsies realsies promise that she wouldn't sleep with Archer," Lana said. "Or let anyone else have sex with him either."

"That's a **thing**?" Cyril blinked.

"Apparently," Lana shrugged.

"Looks like Cheryl is taking a personal day too," Krieger indicated Cheryl passed out on a couch. She was covered in groovy gummies and had an open bottle of glue on the floor.

"Should we be worried about her?" Lana asked.

"Ehhh…" Cyril, Ray and Krieger said at the same time.

"I'm more worried about what Archer and Pam got up to last night," Cyril admitted.

"I'm not crazy about it either. But honestly…" Lana said. "I'd rather Archer go on a bar crawl with Pam than alone. Less likely for him to get into trouble that way."

"But it's **double** the chance of him and Pam getting into trouble **another way!"** Cyril snapped.

"Who cares?" Ray spoke up. "I'll take any day without any Archer. Especially Mrs. Snooty Britches."

"She has been a bit of a pill lately," Krieger admitted. "Always going on and on about how we ruined her career and life."

Ray smirked and then did an impression of Mallory. "You idiots have ruined my life and my reputation! Never mind the fact that I've slept with more men than the pillows at West Point!"

Krieger got into the act with his own imitation. "I need to drink all day so I can forget what idiots I work with!"

"I'm so much better than all of you," Ray went on with his imitation. "Because I am a well-bred old skank! And you are all lowly peasants! Peasants I say!"

"I'm such a bitter and hateful old shrew…" Cyril got into the act. "And my son is a perpetual man child that screws everything with a vagina!"

"You done?" Lana sighed.

"Actually no," Krieger replied. He was still talking like Mallory.

"I quite enjoy talking like this," Ray was still using his Mallory imitation.

"As do I!" Cyril added, still using his Mallory imitation. "When the bitch's away…"

"The idiots will play," Lana rolled her eyes.

"It's so hard being superior to everyone else around me," Ray went on preening.

"Including my idiot son," Cyril added. "The man has had more claps than Barbara Streisand!"

"I'm very beautiful and sexy!" Krieger twittered. "I'm such a tease!"

"I've had more men than the Y," Ray twittered.

"As in why didn't I have an abortion!" Cyril went on. "My son ruined my life twice!"

"Okay Cyril…" Lana gave him a look. "You might want to reign in the anti-Archer bashing a little."

"Come on Lana," Ray said. "Now's your chance to have a little fun. Be honest…Isn't there something about Ms. Archer that ticks you off a little?"

"Well…" Lana thought for a moment.

"Come on! We did it!" Ray and Krieger said at the same time.

Lana got into character. "You idiots better not be wasting my valuable time and money. Some days I swear I will burn this building down with all of you in it."

"Oh my god that is so her," Ray giggled.

"It's uncanny," Krieger nodded.

"Sterling I swear I am so tired of this obsession of yours over me," Lana went on with her imitation. "So you once made contact with my vagina? It's not like you're the first!"

"Mother! No! AAAAAHHH!" Archer was heard down the hall.

"Archer?" Lana looked around.

"It sounded like it came from his office…" Ray realized.

The four of them went to his office. Archer was now sitting up from a chair looking disheveled and distressed. He had a shirt pulled out and open but no tie or jacket. Pam was passed out on his desk, still dressed but her clothes were rumpled and her feet were bare. There were Lego blocks and shapes made of Legos all over the place.

"What the hell…?" Ray did a double take.

"Uh Mother…" Archer moaned as he sat up.

"Ugh," Pam blearily opened her eyes. "What does that old hose bag want now?"

"Archer that wasn't your mother," Lana said. "She isn't even here. Although it's a surprise to see you are."

"Where did you go **this time?"** Cyril shouted.

"By the looks of it…" Krieger noticed the red dinosaur made of Legos on the floor. "Lego Land."

"That explains all of these…" Archer pulled out several items out from his pockets.

"What are those?" Ray asked.

"Minifigures," Archer blearily looked at them. "See this one's a pirate. That's a ninja. That's a mermaid. They have mermaid Lego people? Since when?"

"That one is a Bart Simpson," Krieger noticed. "And there's a basketball player. A few girl figures. And a merman…"

"Now I remember," Archer blinked. "I swiped some of these for AJ. But I think she's too little for them now."

"That would be a safe assumption," Lana sighed. "Considering she's only two and still puts things in her mouth."

"Did you know Legoland has a hotel, a water park and an aquarium?" Archer asked. "Aquarium was fun. Until I threw up in the Manta Ray Lagoon."

"Of course you did…" Cyril groaned.

"And again on the Orange Rush ride," Archer admitted.

"The what?" Ray asked.

"It's one of those round spinning tubes that floats down a slide and around in a man-made river," Archer explained. "And it just happens to be orange so…"

"So the name Orange Rush ride fits," Krieger added.

"Yeah pretty much," Archer nodded.

"Had a lot of fun in Fun Town," Pam admitted as she sat up. "Where the hell are my shoes?"

"You lost them on the Orange Rush ride," Archer explained. "Remember? You took them off to feel the water."

"Oh yeah…" Pam nodded as she stood up. "Ow…"

"Why did you go to Lego Land?" Lana asked.

"I had a plan…" Archer frowned. "I can't remember…"

"You wanted to check it out for AJ," Pam spoke up.

"Oh yeah," Archer nodded. "In hindsight I think we should have done that when the park was open."

"So basically you broke into Lego Land and vandalized the whole place while getting drunk and screwing around?" Lana sighed.

"And we stole some Legos…" Archer added. He looked around. "A lot of Legos…"

"I think I have Lego bricks in my ass crack," Pam winced. "Here's a tip, those life size furniture pieces made out of Legos…Not that comfortable."

"I pretended I was Godzilla in Miniland USA," Archer remembered. "Some of those damn bricks must have stuck to my feet. Ow…"

"I thought I was Godzilla?" Pam asked.

"More like Pam-Zilla," Ray quipped.

"Shut up Moth-Ray…" Pam gave him a look. She fiddled around with her underwear in the back. "Yeah definitely Legos in my ass crack."

"Is it correct for me to assume that you two are now banned from Lego Land?" Lana groaned.

"Pretty much yes," Archer nodded.

"Archer, Pam you two can't keep pulling these stupid stunts anymore!" Lana snapped.

"I'll say…" Pam groaned. "I'm not as young as I used to be."

"Yeah I didn't want to say anything but lately I've been feeling a little slower to bounce back," Archer admitted. "Either that or my hangovers are getting bigger."

"If you idiots aren't careful one of you is bound to get arrested one of these days!" Lana fumed.

"My money's on Pam," Ray said.

"No, Archer would be arrested way before Pam," Krieger shook his head.

"I'll take even money on that," Cyril spoke up.

"Start up the new betting pool!" Ray grinned.

"I'll go make up the charts!" Cyril said as he left.

"You're just lucky your mother isn't here," Lana told Archer.

"Did she take the day off to go shopping and use Ron's money?" Archer asked.

"Spa day," Lana corrected. "Still using Ron's money."

"Close enough," Archer groaned. "Is there anything else I can do for you? Or can I go throw up some Legos in peace?"

"Actually I'd like that pirate figure if you don't mind," Krieger spoke up.

"Can I have the merman?" Ray asked.

"Knock yourself out," Archer shrugged as he gave the figures to Krieger and Ray.

"One of these days I'd love to knock them all out…" Lana grumbled to herself as she left.


End file.
